


doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try

by lilaclavenders



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Angst!, Dialogue Heavy, Exes being friends, F/F, Gen, Hurt with no Comfort, I’m so sorry for how disorganised this all is, M/M, Mai and Ty Lee are like the distinguished gays and zuko is just a mess, Mai is Zuko’s last braincell, Non-Linear Narrative, Or Is It?, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Unrequited Love, Zuko is Suki’s heather, references to suicidal thoughts, vague references to depression, vague references to internalised homophobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:26:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26806573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilaclavenders/pseuds/lilaclavenders
Summary: Suki’s throat closes up, and her voice wavers when she asks, “If I’ve been so perfect, then why the hell does he not want me anymore, Katara?”“You don’t know that,” Katara quietly says, and she’s starting to cry too. “He hasn’t talked to me about any of this, he was just fine before he left to see you, Suki- He was fine.”Zuko’s trying, he really is
Relationships: Implied Bato/Hakoda (Avatar), Katara & Sokka (Avatar), Mai & Suki & Ty Lee (Avatar), Mai & Zuko (Avatar), Mai/Ty Lee (Avatar), Past Sokka/Suki (Avatar) - Relationship, past Mai/Zuko (Avatar) - Relationship, pre Sokka/Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 75





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from easily - bruno major 
> 
> though the song isn’t really the vibe im trying to give bc mai and zuko have moved on in this universe

“You seem miserable,” Mai remarks, raising an eyebrow and the corner of her mouth in slight amusement. 

“And you’re not?” Zuko snorts. He doesn’t stand as close to her as he used to, and these days, he isn’t sure if her seeming indifference is genuine anymore.

“I’m always miserable, so what’s your excuse?” Mai curiously asks, readjusting her sleeves. _Ah_ , she sighs in relief, _my knives are secure._

“It’s just the wrong timing, I guess,” Zuko vaguely explains, and he’s slightly flustered which is always entertaining for Mai. “Everything’s changing and it’s also not.”

“Then just be patient,” Mai shrugs before replying. “Me and Ty Lee write each other letters all the time, you could always write to us.”

“It’s not that,” Zuko says, letting his eyes drift towards Sokka, who presses a gentle to Suki’s forehead. Mai almost looks away because of how intense the emotions Zuko’s eyes give away. “Things always change, but we’re Fire Nation - that’s not what we’re made for.” He sighs, and it’s the same one he used whenever Mai walked into a room, back then.

Mai nods, and she immediately understands, and she tries to bury the way Zuko used to look at her away in the back of her mind. “The offer is still open, for old times’ sakes - we were friends before everything else.”

Zuko laughs before nodding in agreement. He brings Mai into a hug and whispers, “I’m sorry I forced my decisions on you.”

“At least you learned,” Mai replies through the last of Zuko’s soft chuckles and she lets herself get wrapped in Zuko’s apology, because she truly was his friend before anything else.

* * *

_ Dear Mai, _

_ I have no idea how to start a letter that isn’t intended for formal purposes, and have spent a few days wondering how to start. I forgot that letters are actually just conversations and that I could just start one the way we usually start all of our conversations - with me awkwardly talking about my feelings. _

_ It’s strange, because I’ve managed to live almost two decades without him, and I get this awful festering feeling in my chest when I think of him. Most days I find myself having to clench at my robes to make sure I’m not actually in any physical pain, and I don’t feel as hopeful as I did when I was with you.  _

_ Maybe it’s because he’s only ever seen me at my worst. _

_ Anyway, I’m proud of who you’ve become after our last encounter. You’ve always been braver and more observant than me.  _

_ That being said, I have been considering the lack of diversity amongst benders and non-benders within the Fire Nation Council, and there seems to have a vacancy open - that is, if you wish to have an excuse to travel.  _

_ Zuk o _

* * *

“Mai!” Ty Lee gasps.

“Ty Lee,” Mai deadpans. 

“You _can’t_ just send that!”

Mai shrugs and rolls her eyes. “What? It’s short and to the point.” 

“A letter can’t be less than 10 words long!” Ty Lee grabs the letter and waves it emphatically in front of Mai.

* * *

_ Dear Zuko, _

_ Give the position to Sokka. _

_ Mai _

* * *

“He won’t even know what this means!” Ty Lee groans, “He’ll get too worried about sending letters again!”

“Good,” Mai says, but grabs her quill and inkwell again. 

Ty Lee giggles, and it’s as sweet as honey. “You’re so mean!”

”And you love it,” Mai murmurs.

* * *

_ Dear Zuko, _

_ Ty Lee forced me to write a longer letter after much deliberation, but my point still stands.  _

_ Give Sokka the position and maybe you can force yourself to confront these feelings head on and you can finally give yourself peace of mind. I’ve had my share of travelling around the world, and I don’t think working for my ex for the rest of my life is something I particularly want to do. _

_ Mai (and Ty Lee) _

_ P.S. _

_ I’m proud of you for being more honest with yourself, about the things that are smaller than the world but too big for your heart to handle.  _

* * *

“Oh,” Zuko says, and he grabs his inkwell, parchment and his newfound courage. He writes and his heart beats the fastest it’s ever gone.


	2. Chapter 2

* * *

Sokka gets two letters. The first is from Kyoshi Island and it’s been folded and unfolded too many times that it’s almost ripping in half. The other arrives a couple of months later. It has a Fire Nation wax seal and Sokka’s traced the looping cursive of the sender’s name with his finger every time he rereads it.

The first letter is about an ending, about honesty (or the lack thereof.) The other letter offers a beginning, and it’s as simple as that.

The first letter contains the words _it’s not about the moon anymore, is it?_ It loudly accuses, _something happened after I found you on the way to Ba Sing Se and before you found me at the Boiling Rock, didn’t it? There’s something you’re not telling me._

She asks, plain and simple, _why are you so distant?_

The other letter offers Sokka  _a place by my side, where you can freely talk about anything and nothing at all, as a non-bender council member acting as a Water Tribe Ambassador or whatever you wish to be. It’ll be nice to have someone in my corner while travelling around the world, to keep me grounded._

_ You’re so far away, _ he says mournfully ,  _ it’ll be nice to see you again. _

Sokka packs up his things and goes North. He writes stuff like  _we should talk about this in person, don’t you think?_

* * *

“Do you think she knows?” Ty Lee idly asks as she combs her hair. 

Mai sighs, and her gaze comfortably drifts from the ceiling to Ty Lee. “I don’t think there’s anyone who doesn’t know at this point apart from Sokka himself, unless he’s just trying to play ignorant.”

Ty Lee shakes her head pityingly. “Those boys have been through a lot, Mai. What if I lost you back then?”

“I try not to think about that,” Mai admits, and she hates knowing that her knives will never be as fast as lightning. “Though I doubt Zuko or Sokka ever had that luxury.”

* * *

_~~ Dear Suki, ~~ _

~~_I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m fine. I’m okay. I’m the same as I’ve always been, though maybe that’s the problem, that I’ve always been like this_. ~~

* * *

“Hey,” Katara softly says. “Do you wanna talk?”

Sokka tilts his head and rests a hand on his hip in jest. “About what?”

Katara sighs, and Sokka wonders if their Mother used to do that too, or if Katara magically picked it up all on her own. “A lot of things, Sokka.”

“Well,” Sokka declares, “You have time for one question.”

“Why are you so distant these days?” Katara quietly asks, and it sounds like she wants to cry.

Sokka flinches and his hand flies to his thigh, around where Suki’s letter is neatly folded deep into his pocket.

“Suki, that letter, everything,” Katara quietly says, approaching him carefully as if the rustling of her feet would make him scatter off into the winds. “It’s okay to admit things have changed, that’s what we do best.”

“What if things haven’t changed- What if it’s always been like this?”

“What’s always been like this?” Katara asks desperately, reaching out with a hand. “Weren’t you and Suki doing fine?! Just talk to me!”

Sokka steps away from Katara’s reach. “Look, I’ll talk to you when I can manage to say it out loud, when I’m ready.”

“Well, I’ll be waiting,” Katara weakly replies, letting Sokka finish packing up his things. She gives him one more look and quietly leaves him alone. “Tell Zuko I’ll be coming after him if he doesn’t return you to us in one piece.”

* * *

_Dear Sokka,_

_It’s not about the moon anymore, is it? You told me she gave you closure, and that there’s nothing left for you up there, that she’s just a fleeting thought on nights you can’t sleep._

_I never mentioned it but something happened after I found you on the way to Ba Sing Se and before you found me at the Boiling Rock, didn’t it? There’s something you’re not telling me, and I want to help you so badly, but I can’t do that if you don’t tell me what’s going on in that busy head of yours._

_Your breath catches every time you see so much as a glimpse of red in a crowd. It was hard to pick up on it at first, and even harder to ignore. It would be easy to write it off as a cause of what we went through back then, but I know you too well and that’s probably both a blessing and a curse._

_I know that the things you thought you wanted at 15 aren’t the same things you want now. I’m sure you have an idea of what it is, you’ve always been quietly observant like that when it counts, which is also a blessing and a curse._

_No, this is not a goodbye, before you assume anything. You know you can come to Kyoshi Island anytime. I care about you a lot, Sokka._

_Suki_

* * *

“He loved me,” Suki says. “I know he did once, but I think he just held on to the fact he knew how to do that and got scared to let go.”

Ty Lee looks at Mai worriedly. “What do you mean?”

Suki continues, slowly applying her makeup. “I remember you telling me that Zuko had the same problem, Mai.”

Mai nods and squeezes Ty Lee’s hand. She remembers the day Zuko told her about a boy who offered him freedom. He said _he wanted a life away from the Fire Nation and its imperial war_ , and Zuko did this huff of a laugh when he realised he couldn’t have such silly things, and left something behind in a tea shop in Ba Sing Se.

Ty Lee finally responds, her voice a careful murmur. “I think there are expectations that come with being the sons of royalty and world leaders, and there are certain things you have to sacrifice more than the average person in order to meet them.”

Suki blinks, and nods in slow realisation.

* * *

“Well,” Zuko laughs, and suddenly he’s walking briskly down the stairs, careful not to break into a run. “It’s been a while!”

”Yeah, no kidding, it’s a trek to get anywhere without Appa.”


	3. Chapter 3

“Right,” Zuko continues. “Uh, how did your leg cope with the journey?”

”Pretty well, you know,” Sokka laughs. 

* * *

“Hey, fancy seeing you here,” Sokka laughs, but his throat is closing up. The waves of Zuko’s heat and the crushing weight of stone on his body don’t seem to be going away anytime soon.

“How long have you been there?” Zuko frustratedly yells, and he drops his swords. “We’ve been looking for you, Sokka!”

Suki looks at Zuko for the first time, and his hair is flying wildly and his hairpin is abandoned somewhere in the rubble as he scrambles closer to Sokka.

“Who knows,” Sokka weakly responds, watching Toph and Katara dodge enemy benders with some sort of guilt. He tries to reach out.

Suki’s hand barely reaches Sokka’s, and he’s mildly surprised. Zuko’s flames engulf them all, encasing them in a dome, like the eye of a storm. Suki’s eyes almost look amber in the fire, and Sokka keeps himself conscious enough to focus on them.

Zuko barks, “Get him out of there!” 

“Sokka, hey,” Katara yells over the flames, and Aang’s struggling to lift the stone as the air around them yearns to fuel the fire, and the ash terribly mixes with her tears. “You’re okay, you’ll be fine-“

Sokka knows that they would’ve gotten out fine hours ago, if he wasn’t there. He wonders how much easier it would be, if he wasn’t such a liability.

“I won’t,” Sokka croaks, delirious from the pain, “I won’t be, Katara, and that’s okay.”

He has no powers to speak of, nor is he naturally gifted. He hasn’t got the ability to pick up talents the way a magnet picks up nails, or the way the moon picks up the sea.

The moon is something of a metaphor for a lot of Sokka’s life these days. Yue slipped through his fingers the way the day is swept under the sky’s rug, and he can’t quite shine by himself the way he used to. Grief is an unassuming weapon.

Toph’s feet are sweltering, and she cries out in pain, but she keeps going because no one’s telling her to stop. The boulder’s long gone, but Sokka’s leg is crushed and not even Katara could fix that.

Zuko asks, “You really wanted to give up like that, Sokka?” 

“It’s not like I could blast myself out of there,” Sokka rasps, blinking slowly at his leg. The adrenaline is fading rapidly, and the flames are dying out quickly because he’s getting cold. He laugh self-deprecatingly, “You know I’m useless.” He coughs, and Katara and Zuko quickly kneel next to him.

“Sokka, you know better than that,” Suki says with a frown. “You’re the smartest of us all.”

“Yet here I am,” Sokka replies back, struggling to focus on her eyes, now a soft grey in the night. 

Zuko gently hoists Sokka up as Katara tries to lift the rest of his body, wincing when Sokka yelps in pain. Zuko quietly says, “We’d be lost without you, you know that?” 

“Hm, well, that’s a nice thought,” Sokka mutters before passing out, the last thing he sees being Zuko’s distraught face.

* * *

“You look happy for someone who almost died,” Suki quietly says.

Sokka shrugs, and he knows Suki’s ignoring the way his cheekbones and collarbones almost want to jump out of his skin. Despite this, Suki acknowledges the newfound, gentle peace in his eyes.

“Maybe it’s time I took a break,” Sokka replies, wheeling himself around the room.

“Not like this, Sokka,” Suki sighs. “I remember when you would go berserk if you couldn’t do anything useful-“

“Well that’s the thing,” Sokka cuts in, and Suki sharply inhales. “There’s nothing left for me to do.”

“That’s not true.”

“You almost got captured trying to save me, now that doesn’t sound useful,” Sokkamutters, and the moon makes the contours of his face look even deeper. “I’ve had to watch people risk themselves for me for as long as I can remember, but you don’t have to do that anymore.”

“Anymore?”

* * *

_ Dear Sokka and Suki, _

_ I’m visiting the outer Earth Kingdom villages in a month, and I was hoping I could see you both, along with Aang, Katara and Toph.  _

_ I know it’s technically unsafe with the New Ozai Society still out there, but I think a few days wouldn’t hurt, right? Having the most powerful benders and fighters in one place would surely deter them from planning an ambush. It would be nice to hear about the things the Southern Water Tribe has gotten up to, and Suki, you still owe me a sparring session.  _

_ Hope to see you both, _

_ Zuko _

“Why don’t you look at that, Suki, he’s finally written!”

Suki sees Sokka reread that letter three times that day, decides it’s the excitement of being able to see their friends again, and doesn’t think about how Sokka traces his finger around the Fire Nation wax seal until it’s too late, like all the times Sokka recounts the time he rescued Suki, and never fails to mention Zuko, _who isn’t as bad as you think, and is quite sweet in an awkward way, you know, when you give him the chance._

Sokka softly says, “It’s been a while since we’ve seen each other, huh?” 

Suki tilts her head and is about to say, _but we’ve been together for the past few months_ , only to be met with Sokka’s small smile, only growing as he watches sun set. Suki feels this weird sense of déjà vu, like she’s interrupting something again.

She begins to write a letter later that night that Sokka will receive almost a year later.

* * *

“How long has he been sitting here?”

Suki sighs, swirling her cup with one hand and watching the steam dance around her fingers. “Weeks, _months_ \- He just sits by the fire and watches it, or he’d blink at the moon, and he’d do both for hours on end, mumbling to himself- I just wanna know what he’s thinking for once.”

“Does anyone else visit him?”

“Katara comes in every morning to tend to his wounds, and Toph came once, and said if he didn’t admit what he did was wrong, then she wouldn’t come back.”

“Has she been back?”

“No,” Suki replies, and the sound of Sokka’s wheelchair echoes down the hallway. She warns, “He hasn’t smiled much, or felt much at all.”

“Is he eating?”

Suki shrugs, and she has to blink a few times to make sure her tears don’t fall down. 

Katara brings Sokka into the room and smiles and sighs in a happy relief as soon as she sees Zuko.

“Oh, hey Zuko,” Sokka says with a lopsided smile and a huff of laughter. “It’s been awfully cold without you and your big temper.”

“Hey, Sokka,” Zuko chuckles, and it’s as if he never ran with Sokka’s bleeding body up that hill, with a desperation in his eyes so intense that Suki had to look away in guilt, like it was something too intimate, because she had never seen anyone care for anyone that deeply before. “It’s nice to see you.”

Suki hates the way Sokka’s quiet laughter bounces off the walls, and the way his eyes are the warmest they’ve ever been, as if she never heard him wish he were dead in the quietest hours of the night.


	4. Chapter 4

“You can’t be serious, Sokka,” Katara gasps, and she’s already grinning.

“I think I’ve said too much,” Sokka laughs.

“ _No, no_ , no backing out now” Katara dismisses, flapping her hands in excitement. “What brought this on?” 

“Well, Suki did say she missed me and stuff, so I’m fixing that! I’ll be hanging with her and the other Kyoshi warriors for a while!”

Katara squeals and hugs Sokka, who rolls his eyes fondly and eventually humours her by hugging her smaller frame. 

“I’ll see you in a couple of months, alright?”

Katara nods in his shoulder and says, “I don’t believe you!”

Sokka smugly responds, “If Suki begs me to stay with her forever, it’s not my fault- Ow, Katara!”

* * *

“I think I should go,” Suki quietly says to Katara, leaving Sokka to chatter away with Zuko, her face scrunched up as if Zuko himself had burned her.

“But you said you didn’t have to go for a few days, Suki,” Katara says absentmindedly, as she patches up ahole from one of Sokka’s shirts.

Old habits die hard, Suki realises, which is why she says, “I should’ve gone a long time ago.”

Katara whips her head up, watching Suki pick up her armour, the only thing she has, and begins to touch up her makeup. 

“You know he loves you, he just-“

“I get it.” Suki nods and sighs, reciting the words she’s heard tirelessly from her elders, “He needs time.”

“Right,” Katara says, unsure, getting up to slowly approach Suki. “He does need time, but there’s things time can’t always fix,” she admits, while placing a hand on Suki’s shoulder. 

“Is this about more than just his leg, Katara?”

Katara doesn’t answer, and she just stares at Suki, tired. 

“I’ve been waiting for him to tell me what’s wrong, to ask for help- I’ve given him months, Katara,” Suki frustratedly sighs, batting Katara’s hand away.

“I know, and it’s not your fault,” Katara says helplessly. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Suki.”

Suki’s throat closes up, and her voice wavers when she asks, “If I’ve been so perfect, then why the hell does he not want me anymore, Katara?”

“You don’t know that,” Katara quietly says, and she’s starting to cry too. “He hasn’t talked to me about any of this, he was just fine before he left to see you, Suki- He was _fine_.”

“Katara,” Suki exhales slowly. Her tears are coming so quickly that she doesn’t have time to blink them away. “He doesn’t want me anymore- _God_ , how long has it been like this?”

* * *

_ Dear Zuko,_

_ I can’t wait to see you- _

“He can’t wait to see you?”

Zuko huffs, rereading the letter over and over, “Don’t give me false hope.”

Iroh flicks Zuko’s forehead. He scolds, “When have I ever done that?”

Zuko grumbles with reluctant agreement, letting Iroh pour him another cup of tea as he rubs his forehead. “I’m just nervous to see him again, it’s been a while.”

* * *

“He’s different,” Mai acknowledges, watching Sokka from across the fireplace. He’s got an arm around Suki and another arm gesticulating all over the place as he talks about his journey with Suki and the other Kyoshi warriors. 

Zuko narrows his eyes in confusion. “He seems fine to me, maybe he’s just grown up a bit more.”

“That’s because you haven’t seen him everyday for the past few months,” Mai states. “This isn’t just growing up.”

“I’ve been busy,” Zuko grumbles, crossing his arms with a huff. 

Mai smirks and chuckles, “I’m not blaming you, I’m just making an observation, your Majesty.” 

Zuko blinks, and curls in on himself with a guilt he can’t quite place because he does this too, but at least he’s bad at hiding it. “How long has he been like this?”

Mai shrugs, “He arrived at Kyoshi like this, he was happy, but it feels like he’s having a hard time keeping up, and Suki hasn’t even noticed yet.”

Zuko tries to look at Sokka, for a sign or a silent plea for help in his eyes, but he seems fine. 

Mai shakes her head at Zuko’s determined gaze. She says in hushed tones, “He seems okay now- He was like this for the first couple of weeks or so, and then as time passed, Ty Lee and I eventually noticed this faraway look in his eyes, as if he’s forgotten where he is. It’s almost as if...”

”What?”

”I’m not sure,” Mai dismisses, frowning towards Sokka in a grim realisation. 

“Oh,” Zuko responds, because he remembers when his Uncle would spend days aimlessly wandering the palace when he returned from Ba Sing Se. With a glassy gaze and a cold cup of tea, Iroh spent most of his days staring out the window, watching Zuko and Azula play outside, and would only smile when he realised someone was watching him.

Mai pats his shoulder sympathetically. “If it helps, he cheered up the moment he got your letter.”

“Uh,” Zuko says.

“Uh,” Mai mockingly repeats with a unimpressed sigh only reserved for Zuko, and they fall into a comfortable silence, until Ty Lee joins them to talk about everything and nothing. 

Zuko zones out not even a minute into her rambles, and stares at his feet, burying them in the sand. He wonders if Ty Lee’s the one who managed to make Mai open up more, or if Mai just needed the right person and environment to do that all by herself, if she needed someone who didn’t have Zuko’s responsibilities, and the weight of his family’s and Nation’s history. 

If Sokka can’t even handle the weight of his own brain, then what good can Zuko even bring?

“ _Zuko_ ,” Ty Lee pokes him, “Are you okay?” She continues with a shrug when Zuko blinks up back at her.

Mai laughs once and says, “Hey,  stop overthinking.” She says in a quieter voice, making sure to not interrupt Ty Lee’s chatter, “Yes, I’m happier now, but I was happy back then too.”

Zuko slowly nods, burying his feet awkwardly into the sand. “ _Good_ , that’s good.”

“So that means you’re good too,” Mai says with a smile, also reserved for Zuko. 

* * *

“ _Sokka_ ,” Katara sighs. “You can’t be serious.”

Sokka massages his leg before pressing his weight into it. He snaps, “I’ve said too much, now you won’t stop pestering me about this- This is why I told you now and not earlier.”

Katara cries, “That’s because you haven’t been talking to me!” She sinks into his head and buries her head into her hands. “What brought this on?”

“I can’t stay here anymore, Katara, you keep walking on eggshells around me-“

“Because, Sokka!” Katara grabs onto his hands. “You have no idea how much you’ve hurt me, Suki- All of us!”

“I’ll see you in a couple of months... or something,” Sokka finally says. “I’ll be with Zuko, it’ll... it’ll be good for me.”

“I want to believe you,” Katara replies, her voice brittle and hands shaky. “Promise me you’ll come back?”

Sokka presses a kiss to her forehead and releases a small note of laughter, which makes Katara even more upset. 

“This conversation isn’t over,” Katara whispers. “I’ll help you pack-“

“Good night, Katara.”

* * *

Sokka quietly asks, rolling back and forth in his wheelchair. “Was she the only person you loved?”

”To everyone else’s knowledge, yes.”

”Is it so wrong?”

A sigh echoes around the room, tired and weary. “Never, but the rest of the world hasn’t quite worked that out yet.”

”I helped saved the world when I was 15, they loved me then- If they love me as a leader, why wouldn’t they love me just the same?” Sokka screws his eyes shut, closing his fists tightly because there’s nothing else he can do, and his leg won’t let him move without any sort of pain. He barely remembers what Yue’s face looked like, and it’s eating away at him like the way he forgot his Mother’s. He finally asks, quiet as the night, “Is it always going to be like this?”

Sokka thinks of all the times his Father put all of his trust in Bato the years his Mother was absent, and wonders if he repressed a strange relief in those moment. 

“I remember the day you discovered you could ask questions to quench your insatiable thirst for knowledge, and I dreaded the day you’d find out that even my sources are finite.” Hakoda smiles sadly and claps his hand on his son’s shoulder. “And I think you know the answer to this one, this time.”


End file.
